Good Grief

I apologize in advance for the disjointedness (I don’t think that’s a real word!) of this post.

I am working my way through the five stages of grief. I am certain that I am in the depression phase, although none of it feels clear cut.

I have a tendency towards melancholy as it is…

I miss what my life was supposed to be like. I am so sad.

My life was supposed to be full of children in a “big” house. Big enough to hold all the people in it, with a husband who loved and supported me. I am having a really hard time coping and I can’t stop the tears. I want a baby. I want to give my girl the home and family that she was supposed to have. I don’t know how to do that. I feel like if I were still married (I am technically), E would have already had at least one sibling and we would be in a home that she loved.

I would do anything for that girl. Why wouldn’t I give her family another shot?

In May of last year, her Dad asked me to try again. I wouldn’t. I’m now regretting that.

The boyfriend is still around. I know he cares about me. A lot. I care about him too. I don’t want to hurt him. I really don’t. I feel like I need to hold him at arm’s length though. If I let him in, he might hurt me. If I let him in, I might hurt him. I might eventually want out.

I know that’s bad to say. I’m sure about nothing right now. I just know that I’m sad and I’m grieving a serious loss. I got married. I want to be married. I want to be a part of a family.

I love my daughter more than anything. Her Dad does too. She misses him a lot. He misses her a lot. That kills me.

She’s the only reason that I get out of bed in the morning.

Yep. Hello Depression. There you are again.

Letter to Me

If I could write a letter to me
And send it back in time to myself at 17
First I’d prove it’s me by saying look under your bed
There’s a Skoal can and a Playboy no one else would know you hid
And then I’d say I know its tough
When you break up after seven months
And yeah I know you really liked her and it just don’t seem fair
All I can say is pain like that is fast and it’s rare

And oh you got so much going for you going right
But I know at 17 it’s hard to see past Friday night
She wasn’t right for you
And still you feel like there’s a knife sticking out of your back
And you’re wondering if you’ll survive
You’ll make it through this and you’ll see
You’re still around to write this letter to me

At the stop sign at Tomlinson and Eighth
Always stop completely don’t just tap your brakes
And when you get a date with Bridgett make sure the tank is full
On second thought forget it that one turns out kinda cool
Each and every time you have a fight
Just assume you’re wrong and daddy is right
And you should really thank Mrs. Bringman
She spend so much extra time
It’s like she sees the diamond underneath
And she’s polishing you ’til you shine

And oh you got so much going for you going right
But I know at 17 it’s hard to see past Friday night
Tonight’s the bonfire rally
But you’re staying home instead because if you fail Algebra
Mom and dad will kill you dead
Trust me you’ll squeak by and get a C
And you’re still around to write this letter to me

You’ve got so much up ahead
You’ll make new friends
You should see your kids and wife
And I’d end up saying have no fear
These are nowhere near the best years of your life

I guess I’ll see you in the mirror
When you’re a grown man
P.S. “go hug Aunt Rita every chance you can”

And oh you got so much going for you going right
But I know at 17 it’s hard to see past Friday night
I wish you’d study Spanish
I wish you’d take a typing class
I wish you wouldn’t worry, let it be
I’d say have a little faith and you’ll see

If I could write a letter to me
To me

(Lyrics to Brad Paisley’s “Letter to Me”)

 

I came across this post by Trisha Truly.

What would I say to my 17 year old self?

Probably something like this:

Dear Me,

That guy you’re dating right now, he’s an important one. He will teach you a lot about yourself and what you do and don’t want in a mate. But, it will end. Try not to shed too many tears, and please don’t think that there will be no one else out there who will want you. You will be just 23. Life is just beginning.

Start saving. Just do it. When people ask you to buy things for them or from them, don’t feel obligated. Do what you want with your money. You have a generous soul and that is a precious thing, but don’t let them bleed you dry.

Quit smoking. You will do it in a few years anyway, but do it now, before it starts affecting your ability to climb a flight of stairs.

You don’t need to be with a “man” to be complete. Take a break in between your relationships. At some point you will look back and wish that you had given yourself some breathing room to just be you.

Sleep more. There will come a day when you wish that you would have taken advantage of all of those days off.

Listen to your Mom. She does know what she’s talking about.

Other than that, live your life just the way it plays out, because where you end up, although a little tough, has some fantastic rewards!

Take care of Me.

Love always,

Me

Narcolepsy?

I haven’t posted anything in a while. I could make all sorts of excuses about the busy holiday season, etc. but that’s not it.

I am tired. The kind of tired where you alternate between worrying that you are going to be hospitalized for exhaustion and hoping that you will be. The kind of tired where you become concerned that you have narcolepsy because every time you stop moving for more than five minutes you fall asleep.

I don’t know what to write. My brain has turned into a ball of cotton. I go through my days just hoping not to fall asleep behind the wheel… Yep. It’s that bad.

Anybody else pooped?

Words

I’m in the process of reading through Helen’s blog, I forgot where I was going with this… and I came across this post.

I hate the word panties.

That is all.

(Oh, and womb. Don’t like that word either. The word fart makes me laugh every time. I really like the word superfluous. OK. Now. That is all.)

Book Club Book #1

I know I said here that I would do a review of our first Book Club book, Brick Lane by Monica Ali.

This is what Chapters had to say about the book:

From Our Editors

Monica Ali’s gorgeous first novel is the deeply moving story of one woman, Nazneen, born in a Bangladeshi village and transported to London at age eighteen to enter into an arranged marriage. Already hailed by the London “Observer” as “one of the most significant British novelists of her generation,” Ali has written a stunningly accomplished debut about one outsider’s quest to find her voice.

From the Publisher

After an arranged marriage to Chanu, a man twenty years older, Nazneen is taken to London, leaving her home and heart in the Bangladeshi village where she was born. Her new world is full of mysteries. How can she cross the road without being hit by a car (an operation akin to dodging raindrops in the monsoon)? What is the secret of her bullying neighbor Mrs. Islam? What is a Hell’’s Angel? And how must she comfort the naïve and disillusioned Chanu?
As a good Muslim girl, Nazneen struggles to not question why things happen. She submits, as she must, to Fate and devotes herself to her husband and daughters. Yet to her amazement, she begins an affair with a handsome young radical, and her erotic awakening throws her old certainties into chaos.

Monica Ali’’s splendid novel is about journeys both external and internal, where the marvellous and the terrifying spiral together.

______________________________________________________

Here’s what I have to say about it:

Well. I finished this book about a month ago. It has taken me that long to write this post because up until about last week I still felt pretty strongly about this book, and not in a good way.

In short, I was ticked off.

I really liked this book; the way it was written, the characters (some of whom were quite funny and engaging), the settings and imagery. I have been to Bangladesh, so it brought back memories of my trip. It was enjoyable, until…

The End.

It was supremely irritating. Ali developed all of these characters and described wonderfully the things that they had gone through to be where they are “today” and then she waited until the last 10 pages or so to wrap everything up in a nice little package. So-and-so’s son was all better, that guy just went away which worked out perfectly for everyone involved, and whatshername had it all figured out.

Annoying. I was angry. I really liked the book, it was my pick for book club. It was our FIRST book. Too tidy for my liking. I realize it’s fiction and that a Hollywood (Bollywood?) ending is not necessarily a bad thing, however, it didn’t fall in line with the rest of the book, and it didn’t seem to make any sense once you got there.

I lent it to a friend, and I don’t care if she gives it back.
___________________________________________________________

Our next book is:

Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert

So far, I’m liking it, but I’m only on page 12. We’ll see.

Heartbroken

Not much has happened recently.

Well, other than the fact that I am wallowing in the pieces of my broken heart.

The girl turned 4. Boyfriend’s still around, and as supportive and loving as ever.

I don’t know. I should be happy, have a heart bursting with joy.

Maybe it’s the time of year. I dunno. It’s miserable outside. Not nice pretty snow, mostly slush that’s falling from the sky.

But, mostly, it’s just that I miss parts of my old life. I miss what I thought my life was going to be like. I miss being in the same neighbourhood as a lot of my friends. I miss the lifestyle that I had.

I’m sad.

My heart actually physically hurts and I don’t know how to make it stop.

I don’t get it…

I live in the village that is at the centre of a large rural area. A lot of people drive pick-up trucks.

As I was on my way home from work (in the big city… Uh-hunh *guffaw*), I see a truck with THIS on the back.

Wait. What?

And there’s a woman driving the truck.

Again. Wait. What?

I am still baffled and trying to understand the appeal.

They make them in blue too! What are you trying to say about yourself? And is that not just a self-fulfilling prophecy?

Just sayin’.

Does it mean anything anymore?

(I had this whole post almost completed, went to add an image and it disappeared. Not even in existence in the drafts??? Weird.)

I spent this weekend at the cottage with some of my lovely lady friends. This is our seventh year with this fantastic tradition. I spent the weekend drinking and knitting. It was just what the figurative doctor ordered.

 

This is not us.

There are normally twelve of us in attendance. This year, the three ladies that normally come up on Saturday, didn’t come at all. The woman that normally drives the three of them up, is getting separated from her husband.

This is her second marriage. She did not have any children with her first husband. This time, they have a little boy. I’m sad for her, I’m sad for her little guy and I’m sad for him. He’s my friend, too, although I haven’t know him as long and don’t know him as well.

This has been a long time coming, but it leaves me wondering if marriages mean anything anymore… I am not judging at all, just thinking. I wouldn’t mind getting married again. It doesn’t really matter to me as much as it used to, though. If it really mattered to Boyfriend, I would, of course “go through with it” (for lack of a better phrase). But, does it matter?

Image taken from here.

 

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I knew it!

If you remember this post, I said that I would do a review of Brick Lane before the book club meeting, assuming I wasn’t reading the last pages as I drove up to my girlfriend’s house. Well, I knew it! I am at work right now trying to get through the last 70 pages of the book. I like the book, I really do. I’m not a particularly slow reader, either. I love to read. I just don’t have a LOT of time to do it. So, I will save the review of the book for when I’m actually finished, and I’ll throw in a little something about how great the book club meeting was! Because I know it will be great, and I’m super excited to go tonight!